I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
