I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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