She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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