I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
