My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
