Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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