We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
