You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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