Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
