I CAN MOONWALK!
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
