meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
