Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Me. At least after what I've been through.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Randomize
