I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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