Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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