I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
