It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
