Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
