Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
