I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
