Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
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I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
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Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
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