This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
