You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
