Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
