Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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