the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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