First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
