can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
