walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Sext me about skeletons
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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