he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
