I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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