you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
She bit a glass in half.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
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