Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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