i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
