Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
