I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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