Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
