I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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