Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
