So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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