i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
