My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
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i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
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Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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