i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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