How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
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Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
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Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
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