Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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