I accidentally burped into my bong.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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