it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
