You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
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like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
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I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number