Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
