The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
