if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
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i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
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I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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