you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
A+ Viking dick
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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