I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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