Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
