I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
