So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
