worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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