Apparently you make a good broom.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
