I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
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you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
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And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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