Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
