I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Randomize
